The Christmas Card

This is a word for word excerpt from a Christmas card we recently received from an old boss of mine(and a good friend). I think it's well worth putting up here, even if for no other reason than to let my mother read it.

The Ol' Pegmeister's(the dog) put on a few pounds for the holidays, grubbing on stuff like date balls and green bean casserole! Oh - and a bag of pot.

Long story short...(oh, God, I sound like Sean's old boss) We noticed that Peg was unusually lethargic recently, barely moving from her throne, a heap of dirty laundry. Never one to pass on a tasty tidbit of deer leg, Peg would awaken briefly, only to sniff the good grub before her, uninterested. Chasing Roxy(the other dog) was out as well. No more taunting crazy-ass coyotes from the deck either. Squatting to pee was about the only exercise the Ol' Peg Legger agreed to, so I made an appointment with the vet. Was it worms? Exhaustion from a marathon possum hunt? Nope. It turns out she was stoned. About the time Peg had slipped into a stupor, a bag of weed had also disappeared. Actually, the plastic baggy had been oddly left behind. Intact except for a small puncture in the bottom corner, (a perfect imprint of the Peg's slender snout) the quart size bag was empty.

We confronted one young gentleman whose name will go unmentioned. Of course, it was a mystery! Not only did the pots disappearance surprise him__he'd never realized it had been confiscated! For months everyone but dad had been a potential suspect. Hidden behind a bookcase, the bad-ass bud had been removed from the bag: Had mom and dad hit the pipe? Was it the little Filipino dude/adopted son who sneaked into the library? Or, a more likely scenario__this ass kickin' shit had simply been Raptured! Ascended to the heavens. A sacrifice to the cannabis gods.

And so... it is what it is. A passive aggressive little family drama, played out to its tragic end. Boy smokes dope. Parents know boy smokes pot. Dad finds pot and frets in silence. Mom gets drunk and prays that son won't be a pothead. Dad hides pot. Another day in paradise, though, with a third eye always wide open... and you know the rest of the story.

The "Sean Tells Stories" series will start soon with much fanfare and hit the back burner faster than the latest American Pie movie.